Having self esteem is very different in life to having confidence. You see, until now- not only have I never felt "free" but I am also never been sure if I was really smart at all..? You see I think I have some kind of learning disability.. like I know I am dislecek some what, and when I write something, then try to read it back, well I seem to get it around the wrong way... but you see I really am by my very nature incredibly inquisitive.. I like to ask questions... something my dad encouraged and I can be incredibly impulsive, again something my Dad encouraged, but I can be moody and demanding and well, just down right (as my Dad said at my 21st speech) "worse than my mother" but you see I think I was totally fooled into my Dad's potentially narcissistic beliefs about life, either that or he just talked me up and played me like a puppet!

I knew I always had a connection to my Dad and Pa, but I also knew my Dad still had "Daddy issues" like he carried some kind of resentment or confliction there... but you know, I think I was literally bullied into not believing my own self talk. Like I couldn't feel out of the grip of my dad while I still felt not responsible for myself if that makes any sense.... And while I isolated myself and went about tackling the online rights of youth as my "problem to solve"... I never realized I would actually be trying to find myself... in the process, I think I may have worked out what soul mates are... they are the person in the world who helps you cope with your reality and believe yourself enough to get to the point where, together you are able to make your  dreams and hapinesses in life can come to be blended and blurred with reality...

And not only have I discovered all that, but I have also realized that I have always felt responsible for some one... the dynamic between my dad and i had changed in the year or so before he died.. he used to tell me what he had done, then I realized a shift... he was calling me for advice... like telling me he had no idea what he was doing and what did i think? like what the fuck, i have no idea what you should do...um ok I'll give you an opinion.. hmm lets see.." but like talk about pressure... here I am with no fucken money on this pursuit to do anything possible to not have to get a 9-5 job... see what i've actually come to learn to be my reality is that my Dad must have been manic depressive or bipolora or something, but I was just bullied so much by pretty much anyone and everyone in my life while at the same time unwittingly bullying them also... 

see i can seem to be almost able to control my emotions to a degree, i am also abit of a magpie and well, I just like to talk alot... but I have myself changed physical appearance to the degree where it seems like 

See I was the kid that when I did a play and got the lead role, I had this massive smile on my face and was super excited about it all and my Dad, after I said, "didn't I do awesome?" he said to me, well yer but so did the lighting guy and the sound guy and all the rest of them... and I was like, "are you serious?", he would always chuckle and finally after how long agree with me. But you see no one ever really told me I was smart when I was younger, like ever, and I've always felt like I was different, I just never realised I was like incredibly incredibly cynical.. like to the point where I am clearly rather funny sometimes.. I thought I was just saying what I thought...