So I have also to and will continue to say, "I just have this horrible urge to say what I think", it has always been much "more true" than I think most people have ever realised, least of all my parents... :) They have together provided me some incredibly unique ways about tackling problems and thinking about situations, even if I alone may always be my no 1 and possibly even lone fan for every... my internal judge is rather moody and dependant on the context I am placed... I am generally just pretty good on my feet and very much a humoust and realist I do really love to joke about the sometimes horrible things I find in my reality and have this great longing to always know the "truth" at all costs even if I am subbornly frank about it, I seem to struggling sometimes which battles are worth fitting and those worth losing but thats not a struggle I am sure we have all had to come to learn at some point, much I imagine to be part and parcel of the "growing up" process which I feel very much like James & I both have quite some way to come clearly...

See a friend just a few days ago said to me "You both need to grow up, you need to realise there are going to be times that you can't get what you want and NO ONE will care-not even your mother and James, well he needs to learn he can't predict the future and to do that while you are around is going to be hell for you both!" (its nice when we know despite all else we may have friends who will be there despite everything that has happened! Authentic and Genuine, I thought had the same meaning, just like I thought "knowing" and "learning" were relally different but when I didnt get something when I was a teenager, my mum straight up told me to shut up and that was the topic of the table and Dad would entertain every crazy idea with great veracity... I had somehow, LONG LONG ago, got into my head thought or at least felt me often "events/things" that happen do so becuase of something (not nessicarly from my perspective, to be really explicit) but from the persepctive of my Mum and Sister and "family" that my Dad was not close to me personally.... I have been just struggling to come to terms with the fact that for years I have truely believed I need to talk to process what I think... but that was a "new content" probably that I had only just come to get- thats inspirattion. whats not inspiration, but instead tends to be described by most I imagine as fore throught, well ytthats where we are meant to be thinking before behaving and what "everyone else" thinks, I guess that dependant on your attitude understanding and faith in many things not just yourself and your partner or parents...

But I've been "losing time" for years, I remember he turned up on my doorstep one time, when I must have only been about 16 or 17 and I hadn't been to school in, god, what must have been months (i think it was approximately 6 months, though those who were at school with me at the time would probably be better off with expressing that one as I think this may have been the beginning of rather hazy and turbulent years for me, some of which I remember, others feel like a vauge story that someone once told me... something i often "quizzed" my dad about especially before he died in those few months when, for whatever reason, the dynamic between dad and I had changed... I cannot accurately tell you all the things in his life that where going on then, cause at the time, I still seemed to take some interest in my life and the things around me, without there being a "cause" or "reason" to.. James and I had been together for two years and my Dad was busy in the middle east with my Mum working on Vodafone related work and life with thier friends up there.

For me, obviously, there were alot of more factors than just those two in the world and somewhere along the way, admist what surrmonts to the last 5 years of my life, especially as I have "lost alot of weight" and I think even more difficult has been my attention & concern for this factor/aspect I always ignored in life, and since I've continued to struggle with how I was percieved by other women... It was as thought they felt I was more a threat, and while I understood it, I have never and will never get the chance to truely "see myself from the outside" and have for a long long time, felt there was someone (maybe more a something as I had always imagined a MONKEY to be honest) that was reporting to someone all the "horrible things I'd done" and seeing as this monkey seemed to inverably grow and chance its form and shape, the presssure didnt change. After Dad died, I went into the mode of what collectively mum and he would have expected of me and when I thought I was doing fine, there was always Mum & James to caution me to stop being reckless...

I just dont think when I am in the moment, and Im not sure I've "left it" since long before Dad died... maybe even in Adeliade the last ever "family dinner" we had down there... My father, the responsible saint everyone thought of him to be in most lights, got incredibly "shit-faced" drunk and I remember last thing, walking my cousin and his girlfriend home down rundle mall and "playing on the pigs" trying to stop my baby cousin (who for the record is about 7.2 ft and male if nothing else relevant) and walking him home before he got into a punch up on the street, and in the end passed out just outside his door with his wallet in his hand and the key half way out... We (James & I) took the card from his hand and put him and his girlfriend to before heading there ourselves... But the next morning, Dad comes staggering out the hotel doors as we were walking in with our coffee's and he turned and said, "where did you fuckn get those? my head hurts sooo badly and I better get one before your mum wakes up!" When we told him how far we'd gone, he was like, "Nah f*ck that, I know where you mean thats ages away... come on give me another option?"... we suggested across the road and walked away...

Since then, well alot has happened I guess, to much to explain it all just now to one person and I have decided it best for me, in my life time to not only focus on balance but save my "good" stories for those who do love and care about me and I am going to now drop whatever that comes to mean for anyone else as I chose that is what it at least means to me! I have recently come to learn that alot of the words my family may have used as meaning one thing, may have well and truely another opinion of thier meaning... its not that hard to see why I may have overlooked some of these very minor short comings or misgivings in my "learning" or knowledge between what is right or wrong.. and I would like to for the first time in quite some time start by saying (writing) that I personally may be right or wrong and am open myself to being & taking some level of responsibility if it is due and I am able to, this is a difficulting & complex "story" to unravel and if I am completely honest, I would much rather explain things in person as I much prefer face to face contact...

but there are but two things I know for sure and have had confirmed for me in recent week- that women, well we such as asking for what we want, and the one thing not advisable to continue to tell children, until the minute you "relincquish" control at which point- which there will I imagine, especially if I am any "example" to "learn" may find, could cause them to either inflict catestrophic devastation to all that & those they may find still around them, and/or potentially they could be found somewhere in a deep black hole or "another world". If they are incredibly impatient, stubborn and determined with a strong inability to make any kind of decision without external approval or validation to give them that "backing" they need to know they were on the right path... some others may refer to it as an "inner critic" or the regulator of our individual judgements or ideas of what is wrong or right.... and for those, much like me, they may EXCESSIVELY find themselves jumping between and for sometime find themselves bounching between one whole and the next... 


I've never really "got" why people may percieve me the way they do and I guess no one ever questioned it cause I didnt think it was a "worthy/interesting" topic... So I guess I screwed up my ways of thinking and hence why I may not have even got myself for so many years and just seemed so adamant that "I knew" what my parents would say or think about something... but they are and were very different messages particularly when I was growing up and I guess there must be pleanty of things people must have told me before that I just don't remember. And I now realise this is more a reflection on the life style habits and choices of myself and I guess by proxy my partner... but I have for a long time been intelectualising things.. and by things, I mean all kinds of shit, big, small... Shinny or filthy,, I just like to get amoungst it... to try everything... I felt like the minute Dad died someone started a stop watch ticking... and not connected or aligned to my biological clock I must add (f*ck I am only 27 after all) but I felt like my "emphasis or pressure" on time constraints was somehow now placed else where... I dunno, maybe in the sky even... its kind of irrelevant... the point is I lost sense of time years ago it turns out... I've just taken this long and gone through so many different "ups and downs" or if you like "mini series" in this bigger plan or picture of which I am not sure yet what "we do" as the time goes on... and I guess it froze me in the time hole if thats something you can take the time yourself to imagine that would be nice...

I confused myself about my "problem", my work, my life and my family and forgot that while James is willing to share everything will me and I had happenly handed over to him my hopes and dreams, that during "waking hours" he had better make sure to be responsible for me, despite what ever I did... (and I have to admit to some clearly insane moments in the last few months alone... I did take a novelty hammer to a jib wall inside a closet as "I have decided that we cannot have this, it is not ok and we are going to knock out the window... you may not agree with me I understand, but you may want to move as I am not intending on hurting anyone so much, I just need to get my way right now and u don't understand")... but the one thing that is important to note, while online or offline I think the biggiest difference is when its online, you percieve me (at least) to some degree as you would like to perceive me... or as the way I imagine others may look at it, the way I would like you to percieve me... and to some degree its true, I mean I put everthing out there that anyone can find today and if I "google" myself or set "alerts" for myself, then I can try and manage or at least manicure that to some degree.. but that whole, "well at least I have my work" factor, thats what has I guess until possibly this moment if not before (and maybe I do have to "learn" it again and again even) is that I am infact so far from my mother and father both as could be, while at the same time being both a part & aspects of me reflecting them... )



"even winning a nobel prize doesn't guarantee that the ideas of scientists will be accepted by thier peers"   -  AMERICAN PYCSOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION - (August 2011)




I dont imagine to many of the worlds "great minds" sought out the outside acceptance or approval from those around them to say sleep at night, likely that such things are not high on the agenda for them really... Yet that is an assumption, and I am unsure that Schumpeter or any of the others, were just "talking shit" about things like the fact we left "redunant words such as family off the start of terms we had come to share... In fact I know from history and reading his book, that through out his life he dealt massively with the fact that no one was interested in hearing what he had to say... and when he did mange to convience them, he got incredibly frustrated and  if i were a scientist I would be the kind that does epic big explosions that everyone can come enjoy (like the fireworks I have seen "Young Matt" play with) rather than a careful methodical *boring* shit James does in the lab like "reading some kind of report that explains the toxicity of something" which has very little real validation from a higher standpoint let alone to watch up close!